I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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