What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
