chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
