All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Even my vagina gasped.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
