I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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