if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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