don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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