So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
