Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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