Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
