I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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