Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
