so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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