can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
