I think I just saw someone hide a body.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
dude. I can hear the air.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
