Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
