I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
