Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If I had your ass I would rule the world
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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