Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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