I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
