guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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