I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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