she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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