She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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