True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
