Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
