dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
