I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
