So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
