Swine flu. Run for my life!
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
