eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
