I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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