I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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