i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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