Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
