foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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