im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
