you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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