I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
