I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
