You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
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