Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
