i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
