pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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