The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
