I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
