my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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