Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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