im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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