I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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