I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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