I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
