I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
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